24.3.05

however much u try to change to turn things back like before

you're just not the person u used to be,
you're just not the person i used to know.
you're just not the person anymore.

and when i look back at the person i used to think you were
and when i compare it with the person i really see
i felt so naive that i was blinded by who you seemed to be
i felt so lost to realise this unexplainable change in you

but i've just got to go on with you
i've just got to keep on smiling
i've just got to pretend that nothing had ever happened
so you'll never know i've seen a side of u u never saw before.
so you'll never know you've let me down.

and when i no longer care about this change in you,
i'll know-
i've let go and understood.

--ELMO--

i do feel this way,although i know you do not bother about it at all.sometimes i wish you were more innocent.more like the person i knew at that point of time.but it wasn't so since we last met.it may seem ok with me.but it isn't really ok with me.is it ok with you? to realise that you aren't like before? that you do not have total control over your destiny? i may not be anything much but no matter what,i wouldn't want to see you this way.

--just some lines for you to ponder over--

22.3.05

The quiet town of Jokkmokk (pop. 8000) in Swedish Lapland has
been the subject of considerable study.?It seems that most of
the schoolgirls there are smart, and most of the schoolboys are
not.?Experts have taken a look at the gene pool, relative brain
capacities, corpus callosum deviations, family dynamics, even
teaching methods in the schools.?Things seem about the same as
most other Swedish towns.?But for several generations now the
girls get the marks and the boys drop out.

What's going on??Hunting, fishing and forestry are Jokkmokk's
main industries.?Young men have traditionally made their living
in the bush or on the water.?Young women, perhaps responding to
some faintly understood genetic need, or just realizing that
they need to get out of the place, use good grades to gain their
exit.?The girls work harder.?The boys goof off.

It's called "The Jokkmokk Effect" when one group or another
moves away to the big city, travels abroad and "makes something
of themselves."?Jokkmokk girls have rocked the world by
becoming scientists, financiers and artists.?Albert Einstein
said: "One of the strongest motives that lead to art and science
is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and
hopeless dreariness."?It's all about desire.?"Desire," said
Benedict Spinoza, "is the very essence of man."?Desire and the
intention to do something are more important than brains,
wisdom, or even talent.?In IQ tests, Jokkmokk boys are just as
smart as Jokkmokk girls.?Georges Braque said:?"The only thing
that counts is intention.?What counts is what one wants to do."

In many cultures The Jokkmokk Effect applies more to men than to
women.?Men move away to seek their fortune, find work, and find
their way in the world.?Women, on the other hand, by biology or
by choice, keep the home fires and raise the kids.?Through all
of this there's the precarious balance of self-realization and
social obligation.?Artists of both sexes--particularly these
days when the free-self has become such a popular goal--feel the
tug from both sides.?Back in Jokkmokk there's a shortage of
women and the population is in decline.?One wonders how happy
they are.?The boys are out in the boats.?Mark Twain noted: "If
you want to be happy, learn to fish."?When you think of it,
fishing is a lot like art.?"Some days there ain't no fish."

Best regards,

Robert

PS: "There is one big thing--desire.?And before it, when it is
big, all is little." (Willa Cather) "Take care to get what you
like or you will be forced to like what you get." (George
Bernard Shaw)

Esoterica: "Brain drain" and "talent drain" are part of the
phenomena of globalization.?One thinks of the magnetic appeal
and opportunities of Paris or New York.?Theoretically, we
visual artists need not be tempted.?Jokkmokk might be quite a
good place for creativity.?The instrument you now see before
you is a window to the world.?Through its keyboard you can
learn, teach, grow, play, buy and sell.?It can be an instrument
of your desire.

20.3.05

decided to blog before crunch time.you know,it's really a big CRUNCH.not sure if i get to play.but i somehow don't really care.haha.dunno why i feel that way also.
anyway,meet yifen,jo,grace n CT for lunch! =) yifen's bday was yesterday so we went to cafe cartel.n we each paid a sizeable amount for yifen,our LAO DA's, bday present.HAHA.the food wasn't that great,should i just say it tasted fine?HAHAHA.den we went to play daytona! wOoooO...yup..n we did big drum banging too..haha.that was really fun.want to try it again.heehee.
wah.my skin is starting to peel off.
one more hr b4 start to pack...............
sch reopens tomorrow! although we have to see JK tomorrow,P Channel tells me it should be a positive event.
something nostalgic happened yesterday.at AMK interchange.yeah.i was walking past this cake shop and saw those small pieces of colorful cake displayed in the refrigerator.u know....those slices of cake with different colorful toppings.........childhood days snack...yeah....80cents for one.(urGH) yup! so i suddenly felt IT coming.......n bought 6..haha..i din pay for it though....even mum said yeah,IT is all coming back..hahaha...
i hope i haven't gained too much after all these.....lolX..
v tired.need to sleep......

looking forward to amanda's arrival!!!! =D

16.3.05

how do you feel about a parent who spits vulgarities every now and then?even at small matters like when you forgot to leave the tv on for him even though he reminded you 10mins earlier?and vulgarities aiming at you specifically? i don't know what to think. shrug it off i guess. get angry?that will only make me a dumbo.
today's trng wasn't v good.i had to ice my ankle.so my kicking wasn't that good.but nvm.had a long talk after trng.the whole team.yeah.it's the semi-finals.i ought to hype myself up about this sunday's game.IT'S THE SEMI FINALS. how come i'm not feeling excited or even enthusiastic?(they do mean the same don't they?) yeah,i guess i really need to motivate myself.against HU.we have a chance to become CHAMPIONS.sounds weird.haha.
sports camp tomorrow! i really hope i will enjoy and make new friends!hee.
starting to miss the Os.haiz.and the u17 pple.they are uncontactable!!! yup,that's what training camp is all about.unfortunately, i am not as fortunate as them.u19 din have one.lack of funds.HAHA.should be an exciting experience.and at SSS!anw,i really hope to be able to team up with my gang at u17 for this saturday's tournament at NUS.hopefully they can reply by friday??haha...
alrit.im starting to like this song a lot.yeap,the song you are hearing now.i think Ah Mei's voice is great! but she has to be singing meaningful songs,not those recent ones with fast beats and a lack of meaning in them.

hope to be kicking real hard real soon!!!
oh yar,we have a new nick for mao.wahaha..how about mao-O??!!! and for ping....ping-O!!! woooHOooo!! welcome to the O's family!!! =D

im glad i got over it.once and for all.

14.3.05

sunday was a very hot day.the weather?yeah.the attitude?yeah.high internal and external temperatures.maybe due to the latter influencing the former.but it's ok.i guess.not good in our quest to win something but it's just each and everyone of our characters.a leopard never changes its spots.that's what makes it unique.well,we're not talking about animals but human being with feelings here.what's it feel like to be shown the red card on a day @ 100deg? how about a yellow? lots of vulgarities?? i would rather shy away. frustrated as i was, i could only kick sand and say nasty words under my breath. not everyone expresses it the same way though.that's why we are all so unique n different.
a swollen ankle.lots of pao4 pao4 under my feet and broken skin.that was my reward. add another whack to the shin, yeah,that sums up sunday.but i guess its ok.other than the ugly bruises on both of my legs,which i really can't stand looking at for a second, i guess there's nth much for me to say.but i finally realise something very simple,i ought to take care of my legs more than ever.is that a silly n stupid thought? or something that i ought to have known years back?? my legs have been working for me for so long and i dun rem once when i really do take good care of them.yeah,sunday taught me this lesson.i really do pity my legs when i see them now.all i wish is for the bruises and unsightly marks to disappear.
i guess i can't blame anyone for our failed quest.haiz.it's all in the game.it's how you control ur emotions even when temperatures run too high,over the limit.i kind of wonder how i got through those numerous steps of burning charcoal under my feet.i just couldn't keep still.its was simply burning.poor feet.is beach soccer really good for the skin? =S
have been rubbing so many different substances on my legs since sunday.layers and layers.i just dislike those bruises.
the O's are in SSS now.so lucky.but they deserve it.milo got a goal on sunday.so glad for her.so glad for u17 when i saw adilah scored that i started shouting 'goal' so loudly while we were warming up behind the post.haha.so pai seh.they must be really happy.won 4-0.
i somehow feel that whenever it comes to tournaments or competitions, i always miss out on the first prize.or any prize at all.how is this so?? psychological warfare? it was so on sunday.we won the first 2 games and i really thought we could battle n win the next 2,leaving one for the decider.but who could have thought that we lost the rest of our games.to underserving opponents still.oh well,the ball is round.in fact, i dun really understand this phrase and i dun noe why i m mentioning something i dun understand.for the sake of it i guess.
oh well,let us look forward to saturday n sunday. =)
never let the past determine ur future.

趁早

到后来才发现爱你是一种习惯
我学会和你说一样的谎
你总是要我在你身旁
说幸福该是什么模样
你给我的天堂
其实是一片荒凉
要是我早可以和你一刀两断
我们就不必在爱里勉强
可是我真的不够勇敢
总为你忐忑为你心软
毕竟相爱一场
不要谁心里带着伤
我可以永远笑着
扮演你的配角
在你的背后自己煎熬
如果你不想要
想退出要趁早
我没有非要一起到老
我可以不问感觉
继续为爱讨好
冷眼的看着你的骄傲
若有情太难了
想别恋要趁早
就算迷恋你的拥抱
忘了就好

要是我早可以和你一刀两断
我们就不必在爱里勉强
可是我真的不够勇敢
总为你忐忑为你心软
毕竟相爱一场
不要谁心里带着伤
我可以永远笑着
扮演你的配角
在你的背后自己煎熬
如果你不想要
想退出要趁早
我没有非要一起到老
我可以不问感觉
继续为爱讨好
冷眼的看着你的骄傲
若有情太难了
想别恋要趁早
就算迷恋你的拥抱
忘了就好喔--------
爱已至此怎样的说法都能成为理由
我在这样的爱情里看见的
是男人的软弱
我可以永远笑着
扮演你的配角
在你的背后自己煎熬
如果你不想要
想退出要趁早
我没有非要一起到老
我可以不问感觉
继续为爱讨好
冷眼的看着你的骄傲
若有情太难了
想别恋要趁早
就算迷恋你的拥抱
忘了就好
忘了就好

11.3.05

10points.1 tick on the circle.that's it.
i am on my way to creating history.
3 attempts.3 failures.
hmmmm...actually it isn't failure.it's just an experience. =P (just quoting from one of history's dead man)
but this time,it's entirely me misjudgement.i mounted the kerb.first time i ever mounted something.not even a mountain i have ever mounted and now i am starting with a KERB.
haiz.suay.
it din quite sink in yet.maybe till now,no.
i was like smiling when i walked out.my instructor looked so gan cheong.then.........

i should be condemning myself over a missed opportunity.BIG one.
yeah,it hasn't sunk in.when it does,maybe i will feel differently..
i need to burst out in tears.only then can i really feel how it is to lose an opportunity.

damn it.

hey,have you seen the Gillette(spelling??haha) adverts at the train stations? that guy..don't look like beckham rit!!!?????!!!!! lolx...maybe its just the computer effects....haha

that's all.....

P.S. it's quite scary when someone tries to get close to you.i can feel my hairs standing. *shiVERs*

9.3.05

i feel empty today.no big events on the list.no adventures.quite boring.drudgery??
i din go for trng.
so like spent most of time in front of this machine learning stuff.
tmr shd be the same.haha.drudgery??
friday surely muz go for trng.n friday's my make or break day.yup,its my prac driving test.HAHA.let's see what im gonna get myself into for the third time.no funny matter though.i want to pass.
indeed,driving lessons are extravagant,quite a waste of time in my opinion and not necessarily useful.unless you already have a car and lots of spare cash for maintanance.so,what made me plunge into this unknown period of monotonous driving every week?well,unfortunately and sadly,its just public opinion.opinion of pple and my sch mates that hey,its time to get a license once you're 18.so i blindly got onto the bandwagon and here i am.still looking ahead for the finishing point.hopefully it is in 2 days time.HAHA.
but really,how often do you get to drive?how many cars do you have dear?money for petrol?when the tyre fails you?what else...
yup,this is one part of my life where i totally lost control over my thoughts,forgot abt the importance of thought before action,and just went into something which i cannot get out of till i possess that small little piece of paper.
alright.enuf.v tired.
chatted a lot juz now..mind still buzzing...

7.3.05

yesterday was a day of mixed feelings.i was happy that i got to see elmo,angelino,gino,mario,su,adilah,nisa,lin and those pple i haven't met for a very long time.. =)
the match din go very well for me.as usual.so no point talking about it.i decided to tell bernard that im playing beach.so i msged him.he said he din want me to play cuz he putting me to play first half against sporting westlake.i know i'll be tired.but i want to play beach.and im getting sick of league and cc matches.haha.well,it isn't that funny ok.
hopefully everything goes well.for trng and on sunday.and next sat and sunday.dun like last minute shocks.

4.3.05

i think i was really in poor form today.did almost everything wrongly in training.no power.crosses rejected.sigh.don't wanna think abt it.as a result of very poor performance today,we all have to go back for training tmr at 3pm!!!
vivian only informed me of bbq just now.its at 6pm!!!
there goes my saturday...not becuz of the bbq but more becuz of trng.im starting to dislike field.how? but that's becuz have to run a lot and sprint a lot in field.so lousy u,dorko.
wonder if bernard will get angry if he finds out that im playing beach n st soccer when there's also games on those days.haha.today nearly got a shock.but nvm.hee.
im beginning to realise that i do speak quite loudly.i really hate it.i tend to speak a little loudly than usual especially on the phone with pple whom im familiar with and i dont really like that.hmmm...must be too much loud music.or is it cuz of elmo and angelino's influence???lolx...nono.must be gino.hahahaHAHA...
anyway,have to rid of this bad habit.must consciously remind myself.hee.and another thing,i shd speak properly.haha.
got multi-sports camp on 17/3! so enthu abt it!! for the whole day,you get to play ultimate frisbee,touch rugby,inline skating and floorball!!! wooOHoooOOO!!! =D
let's pray hard that tmr's trng would go smoothly.
i hate the fact that im dreading field.cuz i wanna play field.field is the ultimate level of football.

*very tired*

3.3.05

i've been blogging consistently these few days that i feel quite weird.actually,consistently blogging only indicates my boredom.haha.well,yes,im bored.nothing to do.or,don't wanna do anything which needs too much brainwork.haha.slacker!
no ok.hee.
finally! i submitted both forms today! =)
sort of like relax a bit.happy! got the right number of pple although we lost gwen at the last minute.this dao kia.sigh.nvm.so we have a makeshift goalie.nola! lolx.either nola or lin.hopefully it works out.
*rubs hands*
st soccer trng on tues n thurs! hee.hopefully more pple can make it.ct can't.rugby again.trying to get shiya.let's c how it goes....
i think nola looks great after cutting off those locks of hers.hee.nice nice.looks younger.lolX.(nola wun be reading this of cuz.haha!)
time ought to pass faster.i can't wait for gameday!i mean this sunday,next sunday,next next sunday! wooHoO!! =D
promised elmo dinner with the Os on sunday.yupyup..sure can deh! cuz hols liao..but if we lose or if i din play up to expectations,i go straight home k.haha.would have lost all appetite.lolx.
realised that i have lost much of my appetite.really.like most of the time,i just wanna eat a little bit.esp breakfast.what's with me?? my subconscious is haunting me.ahaha.duh.
u17 trains everyday! wth.so xiong.u19 not like that oso.haiz.too bad im not 17.haha.
i dread 20.its coming soon.soon.damn it.dun like the feeling of it.sigH.scary! =(
haiz.went for lecture today.rained.sianz.

now i know.i can't trust feelings to last forever.even though i may want to feel the same way till my last breath.

2.3.05

hi again.can i tell you that i din go for trng today.can.can i tell you how im feeling now.i can't.it came like a gust of wind.and this gust of wind never seem to want to leave.it has nothing to do with skipping trng,although i initially wanted to really really go for trng.
everytime i tell myself that i have to just let it go.but when i encounter something real,im just thrown back to the past.like today.
is there a pill which really works in making one forget what one wants to forget?or is it that i do not really really want to let it go in the first place?are scorpios all like this????
i rem the feeling was undescribable just a sec after it happened.i was staring into space,recalling what just happened.recall once.twice.thrice.smiling at times.trying to stay grim at times.telling myself not to be stupid.how should i be feeling?
sometimes,damn sianz with myself.want it to be over once and for all.but still holding onto it.maybe.......i ought to work hard to get it back.then will i be able to break loose from all these buzz.
i don't know.
nobody knows.
if i don't know and nobody knows it better than myself.......it doesn't exist then.

1.3.05

hi.in sch comp lab now.had assessment in the morn.it was a scrambling time.i wonder how some can afford to come at the last moment and hurriedly just trash their stuff at 4 diff rooms in 2 buildings.well,i dun like doing last minute stuff like this cuz it gives me a damn frustrating feeling.in fact,i was quite frustrated this morn too cuz our DD teacher told us to bring all our 3 projects,sketchbk plus models for assessment.in the end,only the final project was needed.well,let's just forget abt that.and i just found out today that the teachers in NAFA,though teaching the same subject,have quite different opinions on how assessment shd be carried out,and we,as their students and guinea pigs, are suffering not quite badly but badly.nvm.
tmr's assessment ends at 530.have to bring 1 big model.have trng at 530.how?
problems are meant to be solved.haha.problems challenge!embrace problems!nonono.embrace challenges!
very bored right now.so decided to blog.i really have nothing to do.i need to do smtg significant.
this morn watched Hide and Seek.half of the time i was like not watching.like only a few pple in the theatre,so........siGH.i sort of miss.............those days.............what to do???
i wanna kick.i wanna whack.i wanna do smtg!!!!
guess what song im listening to right now??haha.shou3 fang4 kai1.
actually i din really take note of this song and how nice it can be till i consistently heard it being blasted at pasar malam-s.ahaha.
i feel that sometg is missing in my life.*thinking*
have headache.alwaz happens when i stare in front of the comp for too long.chronic or what?lolx.
sigh.i want to be more useful.i want something that i dun noe what it is.
maybe i want to..........maybe i want.........
i think i need to take more control of what im doing.
stop sabotaging ur success.consciously or unconsciously.

别说对不起

望远镜看不见你你的心飞去哪里
雾上飞行想像黑夜的经历
别说对不起别让我伤了心 才说不是故意我却无法怪你
别说对不起别让我的爱情变成廉价物品
我却只能爱你
闭上眼睛却看见你
想你的好代替无力
我相信你却开始不信任自己
别说对不起别让我灰了心
才说不是故意我却无法怪你
别说对不起别让我的爱情变的小心翼翼
我却只能爱你
用行动来证明
你的决心
不要说说而已
我想要的不只是 sorry
雾上飞行想像黑夜的经历
别说对不起别让我伤了心
才说不是故意我却无法怪你
别说对不起别让我的爱情变成廉价物品
我却只能爱你 .