hmm..i realised something.i have not been myself.but i do not know if that is good or not.but somehow,i would rather be myself now.the myself i am referring to is not someone who smiles at you everything you look at me.not someone who talks a lot.not someone who looks too enthusiastic.not someone who is easily influenced by the 'high' atmosphere she may be in.it's like im not living in my own world anymore.i guess i have been doing such since. . . . . but now,or rather,for the past week or so,i feel like i have stepped out of my own private world and into someone else's.or i mean, into the outside world where my moods are easily swayed by what is happening ard me.if someone next to me is happy and keeps smiling and talks non-stop to me,i would then become that person and start blabbering away.this doesn't happen when i am in my own world. so. . . i realised 2 days ago that i really am tired of being someone who isn't really myself. and although that someone is readily accepted by the pple ard, that someone isn't really me.i did not become that someone intentionally or purposely but due to influence,which may not be a negative thing after all.so now when i want to get back into my own world, hmmm. . . i do not know the consequences. maybe i wanted to step out of it. . .but now, i am getting tired of not being myself.
i do quite defend myself against changes.changes in character.changes in behaviour.changes in attitude.but inevitably, it happens without you knowing it.but when i do realised that it had happened, i have to weight the pros and cons.if it is for the better, then good! if not, that's gonna be real bad. sometimes, we have to embrace change. sometimes, it is better to protect yourself against it.
i do not know why but this holidays, i really do not want to do anything. i know i have some things to do but i keep procrastinating. there's something inside me which tells me to relax and really give myself a break.but i really yearn for next term. holidays may not be that beneficial after all. . .IF you do not know how to make good use of them.like me.like me now.maybe it's the great singapore sale.maybe it's the world book fair.maybe it's the hype happening all around me. but somehow i feel that i yearn for something which i do not possess. and that something, i can't be very sure what it is. i yearn to leave the house everyday. i do not wish to be bound by it. that isn't really me. or wasn't. there's a missing piece and my failure to define it is causing me frustration and boredom.
reading is a good habit. but when you start to sit down and read everyday and try to make time fly by reading and reading, it becomes a bore. it becomes a source of frustration. so. . . everything has its pros and cons. excesses aren't good. moderation is the best.
i think i need glucosamine and chondroitin again. the aching is back.damn.